Friends, Friends | anitawatson's Blog

When I was a college student I had a best friend (let's call her Jane) whom I trusted more than anybody at that time. The funny thing was that when I first met her, I didn't like her, there was something about her that turned me off but I couldn't put my finger on it. However, Jane was very outspoken and friendly with me and she was always seeking my advice on relationships (and everything else). I thought that my initial feelings for her were pure prejudice on my part and rejected my first instinct. We became close friends very fast. I noticed that she had a tendency to be very insecure (specially about her looks), had low self-esteem and was extremely sensitive. For those reasons I became even more protective of her and always defended her in any situation, even if I had to have disagreements with other friends of mine. I saw her as someone who needed my protection more than other people. In a way, I saw Jane as my child and I wanted to put her under my wing. I felt like I would do anything for her.

However, sometimes she made me feel so guilty, as if I was a bad friend or someone responsible for hurting her. One of the things that she would constantly point out was that she thought I was more beautiful than her. In her mind, every man on the planet had a crush on me. And she would always say that men looked in our direction only because of me, not because of her. Jane had a very similar feeling towards her younger sister: she used to say that her sister was the “beautiful one” and she was the “ugly one”. Jane said she loved her sister but felt very jealous of her. I never quite understood why she gave so much importance to looks. To me, Jane was my best, dearest friend and I thought she was a very beautiful human being.

Jane and I had another friend in common, a guy (let's call him Rick) who was always with us. People joked that we were a “love triangle” because we were always together. I never really cared what other people thought because in my head we were just good friends having a good time. We went to parties together, talked on the phone endlessly, cried on each other shoulders when something bad happened... I felt like Jane and Rick were my sister and brother. Well, what happened was that Jane fell in love with Rick. And Rick fell in love with me. And I was left in the most awkward and unwanted situation ever.

Jane was very hurt (and I was feeling very guilty) and Rick was hurt too because he expected that when he confessed his love for me I would do the same but I didn't. In fact, I think I felt angry at him because what he did hurt Jane, and Rick was angry at me because I hurt his ego. In an attempt to kind of show me he didn't care about me anymore, Rick started going out with girl after girl, flirting with everybody he could in front of me and Jane. But his attempt to hurt me was really hurting Jane: she was miserable. She cried and cried and there was nothing I could do to make her feel better. One night, when we were all at a party and Rick was drunk I tried to tell him to be more careful with his behavior because he was hurting Jane. He then said to my face: “F*** Jane, I couldn't care less about her!” I was so shocked and felt so betrayed that I decided I just couldn't be his friend anymore. It was hard for me because I really liked Rick but if I had to choose between him and Jane, my loyalty was with her first. She was always first for me.

Jane and I ended up growing apart from Rick. I was sad that I had to lose a friend but Jane and I were still friends and our friendship was the only thing that mattered to me. She did have her faults but I was always turning a blind eye to them because she was my friend. One of the things she used to do that bothered me was that she was always gossiping about people. And she never had nice things to say. She even gossiped about her friends, telling all sorts of negative things and revealing secrets she knew about them in a very malicious way. When somebody did something she didn't like, she would come to me and criticize that person in all ways possible, but when she was talking to that person it was as if nothing had happened. I always wondered how it was possible for her to be friends with so many people she didn't like!

Jane had a tendency to complain about everything and everybody. Nothing was good and people were always trying to stab her on the back. She had a very fertile imagination and I always had the feeling that she was exaggerating things and bringing a lot of drama into her life. But deep inside I felt pity for her and forgave the things she did. I thought that she was just a very scared and insecure girl who needed protection and a real friend. And I thought that I was that real friend, her only loyal friend. However, for Jane, friends were not enough. She always complained about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend. She was obsessed with the idea of finding a boyfriend, getting engaged and then finally getting married. But the irony of life came back again and another boy she was interested in became interested in me. Again. I couldn't believe it. I felt very bad about it, I didn't even understand how that was possible because I had never even talked to the guy! And again Jane made me feel guilty by pointing out that “of course he likes you. You are more beautiful than me! He would never look at me with you around!”

But after many disillusions, Jane finally found a really nice guy and she started dating him. I was so happy for her! I knew how important it was for her and they looked so cute together! Jane and her boyfriend really got along well. She then became closer to other friends, girls who were also dating or engaged so that they could all go out together, only couples. She grew apart from me a bit but I understood the new circumstances in her life. Now that she was dating it was natural that she would seek company of girls who were also dating and were living the same experience that she was. I respected her choice but also made sure to check on her from time to time. Jane soon became engaged and she seemed very happy and more confident than I had ever seen her.

However, it soon became clear (even to other people) that we were no longer so close. Jane didn't call me anymore, didn't come to my house, she was always too busy to talk to me. But she was always friendly and warm whenever we met. So even though I was a little hurt that my friend had chosen the company of other friends, I was still happy for her, I understood her need to be more with her fiance that any other friend, her choice to be friends with other engaged women, I always understood everything and never complained to her or demanded anything from her. My love for her was unconditional.

And then one day she got married and didn't invite me to be her bridesmaid (something she had always said she would do). She moved to my neighborhood and never told me (I just found that out because another person told me). And one night a friend of mine called me to warn me that Jane had gossiped about me and said very negative and malicious things. And one afternoon a friend of Jane hinted that perhaps Jane had distanced herself from me because I had done “bad things” to her and I should apologize... Well, let's say that as naive and trusting as I was, I just had to open my eyes. Yes, I cried a lot and I couldn't believe it at first. I felt sick to my stomach and just had to sit on the floor and I couldn't even move. My heart was shattered. First, I felt miserable. Then, I felt angry. I even thought about calling her to ask for an explanation, vent my anger, I don't know, I just needed to speak to her. But then my rational side spoke louder and I listened to it.

Why should I call her and give her a chance to speak if she had never ever done that to me? If she felt I did something she didn't like, she could have called me and given me a chance to explain myself, apologize, anything. She could have grown apart from me without gossiping and spreading rumors about me. But of course she would behave like that. That was the kind of thing she did to all her “friends”. She wasn't anybody's friend. And I was a fool to believe it would be any different with me. As much as I was angry with her I realized that it wasn't personal. She did what she did to me because that's the way she was with everybody. It was in her personality all the time but I just didn't want to see it. Jane was the kind of person who pretended to be the victim, the poor fragile girl, so that she could manipulate and use others. And when she couldn't get anything else from them, she would just stab their backs and leave.

I had been betrayed before and I had been wronged before, but nothing like this. I can honestly say that my experience with Jane changed me forever. From that day on I have felt more cautious and guarded towards other people. I don't mean that I'm skeptical about friendships, but I choose my friends more wisely. I don't see only if a person is nice and kind to me. I notice how this person behave towards others. If a person is the kind of person who gossips, lies, betrays, disrespects, manipulates other people, I always assume that that person will do the same thing to me sooner or later. It doesn't matter if the person is nice to you. What matters is his/her character and values. You have to look into the person's character instead of just superficial smiles, and hugs and beautiful words. The same rules applies when you're choosing a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, partner. If he/she cheated on his/her exes before you, he/she will cheat on you too. It's just a matter of time. People may betray other people, but they never betray their character.

And Jane really showed me her character during our friendship. But I refused to see the red signs. She gave me all the clues and even then I didn't get it. It was my fault above all. She did what she did to me because I let her do it. But I promise you as I have promised myself that I won't let that happen again. Now I know better. If anything, that experience made me grow wiser and stronger.