anitawatson's Blog

When I was a college student I had a best friend (let's call her Jane) whom I trusted more than anybody at that time. The funny thing was that when I first met her, I didn't like her, there was something about her that turned me off but I couldn't put my finger on it. However, Jane was very outspoken and friendly with me and she was always seeking my advice on relationships (and everything else). I thought that my initial feelings for her were pure prejudice on my part and rejected my first instinct. We became close friends very fast. I noticed that she had a tendency to be very insecure (specially about her looks), had low self-esteem and was extremely sensitive. For those reasons I became even more protective of her and always defended her in any situation, even if I had to have disagreements with other friends of mine. I saw her as someone who needed my protection more than other people. In a way, I saw Jane as my child and I wanted to put her under my wing. I felt like I would do anything for her.

However, sometimes she made me feel so guilty, as if I was a bad friend or someone responsible for hurting her. One of the things that she would constantly point out was that she thought I was more beautiful than her. In her mind, every man on the planet had a crush on me. And she would always say that men looked in our direction only because of me, not because of her. Jane had a very similar feeling towards her younger sister: she used to say that her sister was the “beautiful one” and she was the “ugly one”. Jane said she loved her sister but felt very jealous of her. I never quite understood why she gave so much importance to looks. To me, Jane was my best, dearest friend and I thought she was a very beautiful human being.

Jane and I had another friend in common, a guy (let's call him Rick) who was always with us. People joked that we were a “love triangle” because we were always together. I never really cared what other people thought because in my head we were just good friends having a good time. We went to parties together, talked on the phone endlessly, cried on each other shoulders when something bad happened... I felt like Jane and Rick were my sister and brother. Well, what happened was that Jane fell in love with Rick. And Rick fell in love with me. And I was left in the most awkward and unwanted situation ever.

Jane was very hurt (and I was feeling very guilty) and Rick was hurt too because he expected that when he confessed his love for me I would do the same but I didn't. In fact, I think I felt angry at him because what he did hurt Jane, and Rick was angry at me because I hurt his ego. In an attempt to kind of show me he didn't care about me anymore, Rick started going out with girl after girl, flirting with everybody he could in front of me and Jane. But his attempt to hurt me was really hurting Jane: she was miserable. She cried and cried and there was nothing I could do to make her feel better. One night, when we were all at a party and Rick was drunk I tried to tell him to be more careful with his behavior because he was hurting Jane. He then said to my face: “F*** Jane, I couldn't care less about her!” I was so shocked and felt so betrayed that I decided I just couldn't be his friend anymore. It was hard for me because I really liked Rick but if I had to choose between him and Jane, my loyalty was with her first. She was always first for me.

Jane and I ended up growing apart from Rick. I was sad that I had to lose a friend but Jane and I were still friends and our friendship was the only thing that mattered to me. She did have her faults but I was always turning a blind eye to them because she was my friend. One of the things she used to do that bothered me was that she was always gossiping about people. And she never had nice things to say. She even gossiped about her friends, telling all sorts of negative things and revealing secrets she knew about them in a very malicious way. When somebody did something she didn't like, she would come to me and criticize that person in all ways possible, but when she was talking to that person it was as if nothing had happened. I always wondered how it was possible for her to be friends with so many people she didn't like!

Jane had a tendency to complain about everything and everybody. Nothing was good and people were always trying to stab her on the back. She had a very fertile imagination and I always had the feeling that she was exaggerating things and bringing a lot of drama into her life. But deep inside I felt pity for her and forgave the things she did. I thought that she was just a very scared and insecure girl who needed protection and a real friend. And I thought that I was that real friend, her only loyal friend. However, for Jane, friends were not enough. She always complained about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend. She was obsessed with the idea of finding a boyfriend, getting engaged and then finally getting married. But the irony of life came back again and another boy she was interested in became interested in me. Again. I couldn't believe it. I felt very bad about it, I didn't even understand how that was possible because I had never even talked to the guy! And again Jane made me feel guilty by pointing out that “of course he likes you. You are more beautiful than me! He would never look at me with you around!”

But after many disillusions, Jane finally found a really nice guy and she started dating him. I was so happy for her! I knew how important it was for her and they looked so cute together! Jane and her boyfriend really got along well. She then became closer to other friends, girls who were also dating or engaged so that they could all go out together, only couples. She grew apart from me a bit but I understood the new circumstances in her life. Now that she was dating it was natural that she would seek company of girls who were also dating and were living the same experience that she was. I respected her choice but also made sure to check on her from time to time. Jane soon became engaged and she seemed very happy and more confident than I had ever seen her.

However, it soon became clear (even to other people) that we were no longer so close. Jane didn't call me anymore, didn't come to my house, she was always too busy to talk to me. But she was always friendly and warm whenever we met. So even though I was a little hurt that my friend had chosen the company of other friends, I was still happy for her, I understood her need to be more with her fiance that any other friend, her choice to be friends with other engaged women, I always understood everything and never complained to her or demanded anything from her. My love for her was unconditional.

And then one day she got married and didn't invite me to be her bridesmaid (something she had always said she would do). She moved to my neighborhood and never told me (I just found that out because another person told me). And one night a friend of mine called me to warn me that Jane had gossiped about me and said very negative and malicious things. And one afternoon a friend of Jane hinted that perhaps Jane had distanced herself from me because I had done “bad things” to her and I should apologize... Well, let's say that as naive and trusting as I was, I just had to open my eyes. Yes, I cried a lot and I couldn't believe it at first. I felt sick to my stomach and just had to sit on the floor and I couldn't even move. My heart was shattered. First, I felt miserable. Then, I felt angry. I even thought about calling her to ask for an explanation, vent my anger, I don't know, I just needed to speak to her. But then my rational side spoke louder and I listened to it.

Why should I call her and give her a chance to speak if she had never ever done that to me? If she felt I did something she didn't like, she could have called me and given me a chance to explain myself, apologize, anything. She could have grown apart from me without gossiping and spreading rumors about me. But of course she would behave like that. That was the kind of thing she did to all her “friends”. She wasn't anybody's friend. And I was a fool to believe it would be any different with me. As much as I was angry with her I realized that it wasn't personal. She did what she did to me because that's the way she was with everybody. It was in her personality all the time but I just didn't want to see it. Jane was the kind of person who pretended to be the victim, the poor fragile girl, so that she could manipulate and use others. And when she couldn't get anything else from them, she would just stab their backs and leave.

I had been betrayed before and I had been wronged before, but nothing like this. I can honestly say that my experience with Jane changed me forever. From that day on I have felt more cautious and guarded towards other people. I don't mean that I'm skeptical about friendships, but I choose my friends more wisely. I don't see only if a person is nice and kind to me. I notice how this person behave towards others. If a person is the kind of person who gossips, lies, betrays, disrespects, manipulates other people, I always assume that that person will do the same thing to me sooner or later. It doesn't matter if the person is nice to you. What matters is his/her character and values. You have to look into the person's character instead of just superficial smiles, and hugs and beautiful words. The same rules applies when you're choosing a boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, partner. If he/she cheated on his/her exes before you, he/she will cheat on you too. It's just a matter of time. People may betray other people, but they never betray their character.

And Jane really showed me her character during our friendship. But I refused to see the red signs. She gave me all the clues and even then I didn't get it. It was my fault above all. She did what she did to me because I let her do it. But I promise you as I have promised myself that I won't let that happen again. Now I know better. If anything, that experience made me grow wiser and stronger.

Have you ever asked yourself what the meaning of life is? Of course you have, haven't you? Everybody has done that at least once in their lifetimes. Human beings are curious things. They never stop asking questions. And they never stop coming up with all sorts of answers. Many thinkers and philosophers have tried to explain why we are here, why we live and breathe and go on in spite of all adversities of life. And what's the purpose of it all? What's the ultimate goal?

You can try to answer this question using a skeptical approach: I do not believe in God, we are all alone and we just make stuff up like religions and sacred texts only to comfort ourselves and try to make our existence more meaningful. But the bottom line is: we are born, we grow up, procreate and die (just like any other animal or plant). And when we die, it is the end. There is nothing else to it, so you'd better make the most of your life, live it to the fullest and don't worry so much about your death. The truth is, when you die, everything dies with you and you won't feel a thing: it's like sleeping without dreams and never waking up again.

I've tried to follow that line of thought many times, but I've always failed to do so for long. My challenge is: it's impossible for me not to believe in God. In my mind, God is the only thing that seems to explain the intelligence of the universe. The more I live the more I'm convinced that nothing happens by chance, it seems that everything follows certain universal laws. And if there are laws, there must be a lawmaker. However, I don't believe in the anthropomorphic God that many religions claim to exist. If there is a God, He is above and beyond our human frailty. We like to think of God as an improved version of ourselves, with human feelings and values. But God is not human. He doesn't feel or act like we would. His ways are a mystery, an enigma, a puzzle. I honestly believe that we will never be able to understand God, He is out of reach if we try to use our logic or reason. We don't know what God wants from us, if He wants anything at all. So, if you believe in God and that He created us, the question remains: What for?

I've never followed a religion in particular, even though I think religions are worth studying and provide some interesting answers to our human curiosity. When I was a teenager I was very interested in Spiritism (although Spiritism is not exactly a religion but a philosophical doctrine). According to Spiritism, only the body dies but the spirit is eternal and reincarnates many times. The purpose of reincarnation is to provide many chances for the spirit to learn and evolve, perfecting itself until it can be closer to the perfection of God. And everything that a spirit does in a past life will reflect in the next life. If a spirit was generous towards other people in its past life, it will receive generosity from other people in the next life. And if the spirit was mean and cruel and made other people suffer, it will receive the same ill treatment by others in the next life. And it has nothing to do with a vengeful God trying to punish a “bad” person and rewarding a “good” person. It's just the law of the universe being applied, and the law is “Everything you do will have a consequence, everything you give will be given back to you.” Spiritism doesn't believe that spirits are “good” or “bad”, but they are more evolved or less evolved. The more evolved you are the more you realize the importance of being altruistic, responsible for you acts, humble and less attached to material things. The less evolved you are the more you tend to be materialistic, arrogant and selfish.

I like the idea that our purpose in life is to evolve and grow spiritually. The body is only a carriage which is changed from life to life but our spirit survives and continues to go on. When we are born, our memories of our past lives would be “erased” so that we could have a fresh start without the “baggage”from other lives. Yes, I do think that forgetting your past can be a blessing when you want to start a new life. However, the idea that my sufferings and pain in this life are consequences of some past behavior that I don't even remember sounds a little unfair to me. Moreover, it would mean that everybody who suffers a great pain deserves it because they must have done something wrong in their past lives. And a possible interpretation to this could be: “So let them suffer, because the pain will make their spirits grow and evolve!” My problem with Spiritism (and I do have a problem with all religions I've known) is that it reinforces the idea that pain is essential to human learning and growth. And there are many religions out there that believe that human beings are suppose to suffer. To me, the idea that God created us so that we could be hurt again and again seems so sadistic. Do we really need to go through all this pain?

There is a writer named Paulo Coelho who once explained in one of his books (I don't remember exactly which) that people can choose to grow through pain or through love and joy. The problem is that most people think that the only way to grow is walking a painful and difficult path. And the reason for this is that we are taught to think this way. Since we are little children we are taught by adults that “life is hard”, “no pain, no gain”, and we are really programmed to believe that life is not supposed to be easy and fun. Work is not supposed to be easy and fun. Marriage is not supposed to be easy and fun. All these things are too important and in order to deserve them we need to go through a lot of problems, difficulties, crises, blood, sweat and tears.

We are trained to see the world in a certain way. Most of our values and beliefs are the values and beliefs of our parents, family, friends, neighbors, society, country, etc. When we are children we don't have any values and beliefs, we just live the present moment without judging and criticizing. But the more we grow up, the more we learn to categorize things into “bad” or “good”, “right” or “wrong”, “beautiful” or “ugly”, “success” or “failure”, etc. We even categorize ourselves! If society tells me that I'm successful, I may believe I am. If they tell me I'm a loser, I may believe them too. But the truth is, the society's definition of success may not be what I consider to be successful.

When society labels and judges people, it imprisons them. We start believing that we have limits that we don't really have. If society tells me I'm ugly, I may believe that I don't have the right to feel beautiful. Which is a shame because everybody should feel beautiful. Even if other people don't think I'm beautiful, I have the right to feel I have beauty according to what beauty is to me. When I see the cover of People's magazine saying “The sexiest man/woman alive” I feel a little outraged: Who are they to tell me what sexy is? Who are they to tell me who is the sexiest in the world? They are trying to steal my right to judge for myself!

Honestly, I don't know what the meaning of life really is because I have more questions than answers. And I don't know if God put us on Earth to evolve through pain and suffering. But what I think is really important in this life is to ask questions and try to answer them. It's important to be curious and never accept things without really thinking about them. And it's essential to try to discover who you are, without labels and chains that society put on us. We are here to be free people, to be thinkers, to be explorers. We are here to live and let other people live, through pain or joy, against all odds, because we were meant to be here.

This is my very first blog ever. Wow, that's such a funny feeling, the fact that I'm writing a blog and people I don't even know can read it. In a way, it's liberating because I can open myself without any fear and just write what I think. Of course my real name is not Anita Watson, I wouldn't write using my real name. As most people here I want to remain anonymous. Simply because I feel freer.

But my name is the only thing I'm not revealing. Everything else is true.

I'm 32 years old, married, no children. I'm Brazilian but my grandparents on both sides were Japanese. I've been living in the USA since 2007. I miss my country more than anything and feel lonely here. That's the reason I started this blog. I felt like I really needed to talk. I will try to post as frequently as I can but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do it everyday. I do love to write, though, and I'm sure I'll be writing a lot.